Recent Daily Mail Article -
"Millions Of Britons are finally waking up to the fact that their beloved light bulb will be disappearing for good after 120 years.Traditional 100 watt bulbs are to be replaced with supposedly greener low energy alternatives due to an EU decision. Ministers say the switch will reduce CO2 emissions by around five million tons a year."
A family conversation from the not too distant future:-
"Blimey that's a long walk back from the shop. That's about the only good thing about being forced to get our provisions on a monthly basis. I couldn't be doing that trek every week loaded down with groceries. Oh that's better. Put the kettle on dear I could do with a cup of tea."
"Can you wait ten minutes love? I just put the light on and it'll be at least ten minutes til I can see what I'm doing.'
"Right you are. Meanwhile I don't know whether to spend half an hour on the eco-bike giving it large with the old pedal power in order to give us some green energy for a warm shower because we have almost used up our quota of allowed energy usage for this month, or to go to the communal bathing facility as I've still got two credits left."
"I thought you already had a shower this week?!"
"Yes but that walk from the commissary has made me quite sweaty."
Well if you go to the community shower facility you'll only have one shower credit left until next quarter. and don't forget it's our turn to spend a day on the "How Green Is My Valley" eco-treadmill next week, and you know how mucky you feel after that."
"Damn, I forgot about that. I know we have to do our bit, but it always puts my back out."
"There's no getting away from it. It's an edict from the Green Party. All Hail The Green Party, and that's an end to it."
"Yes we mustn't complain. Thanks to the Greens we don't have to worry about growing too old anymore, as long as we can be of use to society that's all that matters."
"It's true mind, nevertheless I'm ready for a holiday. It's a shame that Johnny can't reduce his carbon footprint a bit more then we might be eligible to take a holiday next year."
"Yes, it would be nice. It's been five years since our last one. Johnny does his best. He's repaired his roller skates and is now able to skate to school again and he only puts half a bar on the heater even when it's frosty in his room."
"True he's a good lad. Shame there isn't a school a bit closer. Twenty miles on roller skates in mid winter. Still it keeps him fit.The Green Party, All Hail, must know what they are doing by amalgamating all the schools into one for each urban area. They say it's very energy efficient to have only one large building serviced than many."
"Don't forget you've that draught to fix around the window in Johnny's room before the Council Environmental Efficiency Officer calls next week. We have to keep within our Required Domestic Environmental Efficiency limits or we risk being evicted,and I hate to think of all the credits wasted via that dodgy window."
"Actually, I'm thinking of doing what the Jones have done next door in order to help our footy."
"What's that then?"
"Well they discovered that the protuberance in their wall is a flue that goes through the roof. They took out their gas fire and are now burning wood in the hole. They say it's just as good heat wise and wood is cheap as chips."
"You're mad! The Green Party would hate that. It would mean chopping down the Rain Forests. That's number two in their list of most heinous crimes against The Planet, after "Thou Shalt Not Drive Anywhere If You Can Walk".
"No really, the wood comes from all the railway sleepers ripped up when they decided to send all freight by inland waterways and canal. Loads of goods sidings were stripped and there's evidently massive stocks piles of the stuff ear-marked for human consumption. In fact I think The Greens (All Hail) are giving a credit to every household that will do the conversion."
"Sounds messy to me. Where would we put the ash?"
"Well they'd have to supply a special ash bin for regular collection."
"That reminds me. You threw a jumper away the other day without taking the buttons off. How many times do I have to tell you, buttons go in the Button Bank."
"I don't know where that is."
"Next to the Rubber Band one.Between the Bottle and Glass and opposite the Leather bin. Oh and don't forget it's the Yellow cabbage bin to go out tomorrow, and the Red tea-bag and coffee grounds bin on thursday. You missed it last month and we got fined three credits."
"Credits Schmedits! Incidently, I have some fuel credits left and if I don't use them before long they will be past their use by date and become null and void. I could do with going to town to collect my resoled shoes."
"Well if you do, don't forget to take at least two other passengers with you or you'll get fined.Remember last time. If it happens again you'll be banned from driving for life. Wouldn't be much point in collecting the new mobile we're due would it?"
"Well I could always go the long way around to avoid the sensors and the cameras."
"That will only add to your allocated mileage and put you over your limit before time. Besides,you know it's against the law and you'll get shot if you get caught. It's not worth it, especially as the authorities can track you whenever they want.Your shoes can wait until you can get a load of passengers."
"Yes I'm looking forward to getting the new mobile. It's the hottest hybrid to come out of China in a long while. It comes with 6 AA alkaline batteries included and it's called the 321 Go, as it runs on a mixture of 3 parts hydrogen, 2 parts cola cola and 1 part rape seed oil. If it didn't have the governor on it I bet it would do the top speed limit of 50 miles an hour easy, and the road tax is dead cheap at 500 euros a year."
"Are we getting it on the share mobile plan again?"
"Yes. We'll be able to use it on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays provided we don't exceed our mileage allowance".
"Well we don't have to visit your mother anymore so that'll help."
"Ah the light's come on a bit better now, I'll go and wind the kettle up for a nice brew. We'll get another cup out of yesterdays bags I'm sure"
"Shit. I forget to wind the Compu-view up before we went out to the commissary so I didn't record your program. Never mind, it's sure to be on again. Everything is repeats these days. Do you remember when we were kids they had TV on 24 hours a day.!! Hard to believe isn't it?!"
" I know we've got a lot to be thankful for..The wind turbine at the end of each street, organic crooked carrots covered in genuine muck, loads of fair trade produce and the welcome return of the Goldcrest to our gardens, but you know I miss our old energy guzzling 42 inch plasma despite the fact that it created such a huge CO2 footprint. As a wasteful device it was one of the best. This 14 inch black and white wind-up thing doesn't really do it for me, and you only get the 2 channels now."
"Stop living in the past. Next thing you'lll be wanting to go in line on the old interweb or whatever it was called.
"No way, Not since the Green Party, All Hail, discovered that carrying out two searches on Google generated the same amount of CO2 emissions as boiling a free range egg. They had no choice but to ban all interactive computer related devises from the average consumer lifestyle."
"Brrrrr. It's cold today. Should we light the fire or get the extra snug eco-mesh blankets out? Trouble is it's hard to keep track of how many units we're using and we are trying to save enough credits to be able to put in for a holiday. It's a shame but if this cold snap continues it'll mean putting it off for another year. How the hell do the Jones manage to save enough credits to take a holiday every three years? It's not as if they've become a millionaires or whatever and can afford to buy one of those special "Exempt From Carbon Footprint" Licenses."
"For a start off he's a fully paid up member of the Green Party, and as such gets special dispensations. On top of that he refuses to eat hot food and she has one of these new fangled mangle and tub apparatuses in place of a washing machine.
"Ha, that won't do her much good next year when she'll have to go down to the local river to do a clothes wash along with everyone else as ordained by the Green Party, All Hail."
"I've been practicing my washing technique. It's not easy using no detergent. It plays havoc with your shoulder blades, especially when swinging cordroys !"
"Knowing them, I bet they get to use the best bashing stone. I'm sure it was him what dobbed me in for having the lights on after 10.00 p.m. and prevented me from joining up to the greens."
" Well as a member it's his duty to report any anti-eco-friendly behaviour to the authorities, so you've only yourself to blame."
"Yes, well you try mending a leaking bedpan in the dark. Actually, I hear that there"s a new gizzmo on the market that helps you keep tabs on your energy consumption. The council put a meter in your house connected to the energy supply and you feed it tokens which you buy with credits. I think you get two hours energy supply with each token. That way you can really keep an eye on what it's costing. great idea eh? They say the Green Party might make it mandatory. All Hail."
'What if you run out of tokens?"
"Well I guess that'll be a case of tough titty.
"I was talking with Eric at the well the other day and evidently if the Green Party get re-elected they are proposing that during the winter months they will encourage all Footprint Accredited Communities to spend most of their time in large marquees where there will be warmth and plenty of GM free lentil soup. They are calling them Wigwams or something similar. Evidently since the demise of the polar bear, and also acknowledging the knock-on effect of the treaty with Japan which allows them to hunt Killer whales as long as they use the blubber for fuel and food, there has been a massive rise in the grey seal population. So much so that they have to cull them in their thousands thus giving the Greens plenty of skins to make Wigwams out of. Fancy living in a tent?"
"Sounds a bit claustrophobic to me. What about privacy?"
"Well, apart from being very eco-friendly, they hope it will dull peoples libido thus helping to reduce the population which must be a good thing don't you think. More to go round so to speak? Don't forget there won't be any really old people around to look after. That saved so much money for the health service not having to be concerned with very old folk any more. Anyway they seem to think it's worth doing, and remember, The Greens only pursue policies that are for the good of the planet and therefore for mankind too. They are also looking at the possibility of sending out parties from these wigwams in order to gather and hunt for food from the wild wherever possible."
"That'll be nice, sort of communal picnics. I bags collecting berries."
"They reckon that if we continue down this line the average temperature for the climate could drop by 1 degree in fifty years time. A downturn in global warming no less! Now that's progress."
"Won't that mean needing more heating requirements in Winter..Isn't that counter productive?"
"Well we won't be around to find out will we, who knows? Anyway they might just find ways of harnessing the gas oceans they just discovered under the surface of Mars by then."
"Doubt it. They can't even find an efficient way to remove chewing gum off pavements and they've been trying to solve that one for decades!."
Ah,the light is bright enough now to read by. Have you seen last weeks paper?"
"Here it is. By the way, I meant to tell you that they are only going to produce the newspaper once a month starting next month."
"Bugger. What the hell are we going to hang in the loo?!"
IT CAN"T HAPPEN HERE......THINK AGAIN!